For a long time I could explain everything about myself; where the patterns came from, all the childhood stories. I knew it all in my head, but none of it really touched me.
But when I wrote this note, I said something I’ve never said this plainly before:
that underneath everything, I’m afraid I don’t matter unless I’m needed.
And saying that out loud felt different.
Not like analyzing.
More like… admitting something I’ve been avoiding.
I can see now that the choices I keep making aren’t random. They’re ways I’ve been trying to feel like I matter. Caring too much, giving too much, attaching to the wounded; it all came from the same place.
And I actually felt that this time, not just understood it.
So maybe this is what “feeling” looks like for me right now:
Please do. But what I can tell you is that choice is truly intentional. Sometimes it's harder than others.
To give you some context: I just had a conversation with my sister where I truly wanted to listen attentively and be mature, but she fucking pissed me off so badly by being so dismissive—like my fucking thoughts don't mean shit to her. Here's the hard part: I totally wanted to be a huge bitch about it, but then I would totally hate seeing her face.
So, I dropped that 'want to' so I could talk to my sister like a mature adult. In this case, being a bitch just didn't feel so damn good.
Thank you for your comment, I really appreciated it. I especially loved what you said about intentional thought. That’s exactly what I’m after too: being more mindful and purposeful with my thinking, instead of letting it wander unchecked.
Your words gave me a little reminder today to pause and notice my thoughts—truly, thank you for that. 😊
Overthinking is a psy-ops don't let it get you down, they just don't like people reaching critical mass when it comes to abstract understanding. "Overthinkers" just arnt taught how to think for their neurotype. Happy to clarify further if interested.
Now to your essay though, thanks for sharing your thoughts they are similar to thought I had in my life, and I think you are unlocking a rabbit hole of thought that I find very fascinating. I hope you continue to explore it I'm curious where you'll head next.
Thank you for your thoughts; I have to admit, I feel like I’m only just scratching the surface of what you mean about overthinkers and “critical mass.”
I’d really love to hear you clarify further and help me understand your perspective better.
You are absolutely spot on. A lot of the things we do are because we simply want to. I would argue that something like smoking or drinking is different. Smoking is simply a nicotine addiction, one of the most powerful addictions known to man, so you probably don't smoke because you want to but because your addiction makes you want to, which is something entirely different.
I do a lot of things out of habit, because it is easier than thinking about what I am doing. I am old enough to know I can change those habits, and if I don't it is because I cannot be arsed, so I can either accept that, or do something about it. Right now I can't be arsed.
A nice thoughtful post/note/whatever thank you, much more useful and meaningful than most of the self-help bollocks on here.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share such a thoughtful response.
You made an excellent point about addiction and you’re right, nicotine is incredibly powerful. I smoked for 30 years and truly believed I’d never stop. Then, two years ago, I just did. No plan, no patch, no “this time for real.” I simply didn’t want to anymore (and no, it wasn’t because a doctor warned me about lung cancer)
You mentioned habit and how it’s often easier not to think, I can relate to that. In my case, I think I used to want the very things that kept me stuck, whether it was cigarettes, people, or patterns. So I still believe we start most things because we want to; even if, over time, that want morphs into something entirely different.
And I had to smile at your last line, thank you for that. It means a lot that the piece came across as genuine and not more “self-help bollocks.” I appreciate your honesty.
This post is so honest. I feel like we waste so much time trying to figure out why we are or do this or that like it will solve all of our problems just to “know.” I think we should focus more on being who we are and growth will follow.
I couldn’t agree more. (on how we spent too much on “why”). Maybe there really is no “why”—we just freaking want to.
Figuring out what to stop, or what to keep doing, can be as simple (and terrifying) as asking ourselves honestly.
Every choice comes with consequences, so if we want something badly enough and don’t mind the fallout, then so be it. The path is ours; own it, bumps, detours, and all. 😉
Thanks for keeping up with my posts ; you deserve a medal (or at least a virtual cookie)!
Maybe you’ve moved on from « understanding » to « feeling »?
I’m a recovering overthinker. I think less now but I feel much more.
Those weren’t my thoughts…. They weee my feeling!
Yes, I think I am.
Not fully, but something shifted.
For a long time I could explain everything about myself; where the patterns came from, all the childhood stories. I knew it all in my head, but none of it really touched me.
But when I wrote this note, I said something I’ve never said this plainly before:
that underneath everything, I’m afraid I don’t matter unless I’m needed.
And saying that out loud felt different.
Not like analyzing.
More like… admitting something I’ve been avoiding.
I can see now that the choices I keep making aren’t random. They’re ways I’ve been trying to feel like I matter. Caring too much, giving too much, attaching to the wounded; it all came from the same place.
And I actually felt that this time, not just understood it.
So maybe this is what “feeling” looks like for me right now:
seeing the truth without running from it.
Not fixing it yet, just letting it be real.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Carlos
Truly,
Chanti
Can I check in on you in a week? Not to judge, but to see if it gets better?
Please do. But what I can tell you is that choice is truly intentional. Sometimes it's harder than others.
To give you some context: I just had a conversation with my sister where I truly wanted to listen attentively and be mature, but she fucking pissed me off so badly by being so dismissive—like my fucking thoughts don't mean shit to her. Here's the hard part: I totally wanted to be a huge bitch about it, but then I would totally hate seeing her face.
So, I dropped that 'want to' so I could talk to my sister like a mature adult. In this case, being a bitch just didn't feel so damn good.
Well said and thanks for sharing. I think ownership of thought leads to intentional thought.
Thank you for your comment, I really appreciated it. I especially loved what you said about intentional thought. That’s exactly what I’m after too: being more mindful and purposeful with my thinking, instead of letting it wander unchecked.
Your words gave me a little reminder today to pause and notice my thoughts—truly, thank you for that. 😊
Overthinking is a psy-ops don't let it get you down, they just don't like people reaching critical mass when it comes to abstract understanding. "Overthinkers" just arnt taught how to think for their neurotype. Happy to clarify further if interested.
Now to your essay though, thanks for sharing your thoughts they are similar to thought I had in my life, and I think you are unlocking a rabbit hole of thought that I find very fascinating. I hope you continue to explore it I'm curious where you'll head next.
Thank you for your thoughts; I have to admit, I feel like I’m only just scratching the surface of what you mean about overthinkers and “critical mass.”
I’d really love to hear you clarify further and help me understand your perspective better.
This comment turned into a post I tagged you in it so you can't miss it.
You are absolutely spot on. A lot of the things we do are because we simply want to. I would argue that something like smoking or drinking is different. Smoking is simply a nicotine addiction, one of the most powerful addictions known to man, so you probably don't smoke because you want to but because your addiction makes you want to, which is something entirely different.
I do a lot of things out of habit, because it is easier than thinking about what I am doing. I am old enough to know I can change those habits, and if I don't it is because I cannot be arsed, so I can either accept that, or do something about it. Right now I can't be arsed.
A nice thoughtful post/note/whatever thank you, much more useful and meaningful than most of the self-help bollocks on here.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and share such a thoughtful response.
You made an excellent point about addiction and you’re right, nicotine is incredibly powerful. I smoked for 30 years and truly believed I’d never stop. Then, two years ago, I just did. No plan, no patch, no “this time for real.” I simply didn’t want to anymore (and no, it wasn’t because a doctor warned me about lung cancer)
You mentioned habit and how it’s often easier not to think, I can relate to that. In my case, I think I used to want the very things that kept me stuck, whether it was cigarettes, people, or patterns. So I still believe we start most things because we want to; even if, over time, that want morphs into something entirely different.
And I had to smile at your last line, thank you for that. It means a lot that the piece came across as genuine and not more “self-help bollocks.” I appreciate your honesty.
This post is so honest. I feel like we waste so much time trying to figure out why we are or do this or that like it will solve all of our problems just to “know.” I think we should focus more on being who we are and growth will follow.
I couldn’t agree more. (on how we spent too much on “why”). Maybe there really is no “why”—we just freaking want to.
Figuring out what to stop, or what to keep doing, can be as simple (and terrifying) as asking ourselves honestly.
Every choice comes with consequences, so if we want something badly enough and don’t mind the fallout, then so be it. The path is ours; own it, bumps, detours, and all. 😉
Thanks for keeping up with my posts ; you deserve a medal (or at least a virtual cookie)!
Chanti
I’ll take a virtual cookie 😂 I don’t think I will be judged for eating it either 😂
Coming right up!!